When you find out your spouse has been unfaithful, your whole world comes crashing down. And if that first moment isn't handled well, the pain almost always opens the door to bigger problems: your health suffers, the children are neglected or dragged into the conflict, taking sides; your work is affected — sometimes the job is even lost — and then money becomes one more weight on a relationship that was already wounded.
That is why I want to share with you, in order, six steps I have seen hold marriages together at exactly this moment. It isn't a magic formula. It is a real path.
1. Understand who your spouse is really despising
Your spouse is not despising you — they are despising God and His wonderful plan for marriage. That means that if your spouse is living in disobedience before God, they are in serious trouble. And since you vowed to stand "for better or for worse," your duty right now is to intercede for him or her.
2. Keep your dirty laundry at home
Don't talk about your marriage problems with anyone — friends, siblings, parents, in-laws. No one. The wise thing is to look for a mentor with real experience in this: ideally someone who has already been through it and come out victorious, with God's principles as the foundation.
3. Stop and understand what marriage is really about
Marriage is God's design. Many people enter family life without ever really understanding what that union is about. In the middle of the drama and the conflict zone, you need to stop and understand this, so you can face what comes next with courage — and, without a doubt, come out victorious.
4. Don't use intimacy as punishment
Sexual intimacy is a way of serving your spouse, allowed only between husband and wife. Never think you've become your own spouse's lover, and much less try to punish them by withholding intimacy — that only widens the distance that is already growing. There is no greater show of humility than serving your spouse in this, even when he or she is living in sin.
5. Close the door on the urge to investigate
Close off every possibility of secretly keeping track of everything your spouse might be doing. It only opens a wound that will distract you from your own responsibilities — and then, instead of one distracted spouse, there will be two: one because of the affair, and the other blinded by the obsession to find out everything.
6. Let your prayer hold you up first
If you are going to intercede for your spouse, focus that prayer on keeping yourself standing firm. Don't turn fasting and prayer into an empty ritual. Remember that your children are watching the gospel you live — and that will decide whether they see a distant God, or a God working with power in the middle of this crisis.
As John Bunyan wrote: "Prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan."
One obedient spouse is enough
I want these six steps to stay etched in your mind, and to remind you of your purpose in the middle of this process. Many marriages have been restored throughout history — worked on with care, even when nobody would have given a penny for them. And it has always happened the same way: through the obedience of one spouse. The obedience of just one is enough for the marriage to be restored.
If you are living through this right now and feel you need closer support for your particular situation, I would gladly walk that stretch of the road with you.